Rollercoaster

Our lives have been such a roller coaster lately... at a bunch of different angles.
The one that sticks out most in my mind... is the adoption process!!

I have to admit... I have learned a lot about myself, my past, and my abilities through all of this.  I have also learned a bunch about my husband.
I have always looked at my past as something to not be so proud of... to keep to myself.  It turns out... all of those things I have been through and battled make me a much more desirable parent!!  Who would have thought!!  I mean... The entire time I have been a mother (the past 21 yrs) I have had at least one person tell me I was doing things WRONG!  Our adoption counselor looked me in the eyes one day... and told me to think about that...really think.  I have 4 amazing kids, who are doing great things... because of me and the way I have parented them!!  Did I make some mistakes... of course.  ALL parents do!! 

Stacy and I want to add to our family so bad!!  We have done EVERYTHING we have been asked to do.  We have come up with care plans for a special needs child... we have come up with back up care plans for a special needs child... we have come up with back up to the back up plans!!!  We have asked carefully picked family members if they would step up and help us if we needed that help... and asked them to obtain all of the required clearances.  We have had our kids, still at home, get clearances. 
We have researched, learned, and gone over all kinds of possible care needs. 
It seems like we just keep going and doing... and we still dont have a new little person in our home yet!!  :-(
I absolutely hate that a part of the reason for that... is it is such a money racket!!  Of course, the process takes some time... we understand that.  But at the same time... it is coming up with the required fees to get the training... get the special approvals... have what we need on hand... and all of the "fun" stuff needed to adopt from out of state.
It is pretty sad that the way the "system" works is that if we were going to adopt from the PA foster care system... they would PAY US to do so!!  BUT... take it out of state, even with a special needs kiddo... it costs us an arm and a leg!  I think that is what makes it all the more frustrating!!

We have had a bunch of ups and down through this process...  at times I wonder if it will ever really happen.  Will all of this hard work and saving ever give us what we are looking for...? 
I just have to never give up hope and truly KNOW that it will all work out in the end.